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Witches Before Wizards/Transcript
[wind howling] [creaking] Luz: [groans] [breathes heavily] [hoots] Luz: Stop adorably hopping away, you‐‐ Huh? Eda: Welcome to... [snaps fingers] ...the Owl House. Luz: [gasps] Luz: [groaning] Luz: [gasps] King: [snoring] Luz: It wasn't a dream! Good morning, terrifying fantasy world. Monster: Good morning. Luz: Ugh. King: [snoring] Luz: Good morning, you little cutie‐pie. King: I am not your cutie‐pie! Luz: Yes, you are. King: [sighs] I know. [owls hooting] [gasps, grunts] Hooty: Hi, Luz! Luz: [screams] Hooty: Ow! I'm just wishing you a good morning. Jeez! Hoot! Ow! Luz: Sorry, Hooty. [to herself] This is it, old girl. Your first day on the Boiling Isles as a Witch Apprentice. Hyah! Please have witchy clothes. Please have witchy clothes. Please have witchy clothes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! [screams] Luz: [squeals] Eda: [yawns] Hmm? Luz: Good morning, Eda the Owl Lady. I am ready for my first day of Witch Apprenticeship. Eda: Ugh! Who are you, again? Luz: Huh? THEME Luz: Remember me? Luz? [grunts] We freed the oppressed and defeated the evil warden together? Yesterday? Eda: Kid, lay off the details. I haven't even had my cup of apple blood yet. Luz: You mean apple juice? Eda: No. [slurps] Luz: Teach me some spells. When do I get a magic staff? Was I supposed to bring my own runes? [gasps] Do you have a dangerous magical quest for me? Eda: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down, kid. Being a witch doesn't happen overnight. Also, you're wrapped in a bathrobe and wearing the dirtiest traffic cone I've ever seen. King: [laughs] Eda: But a magic staff, huh? You really want one? Luz: More than anything. Eda: Magic staff, come to me! [clattering] [crashing] Eda: [grunts] It's early. Now, witches are awarded their staffs from school. With me as your teacher, you'll be taking a different approach. You'll have to work for it. I run a few businesses. On weekends, I offer rare human treasures that Owlbert drags over from your side of the realm. Sword: I shall smite my enemies! Ages six to eleven. Eda: But most days I sell only the finest homemade elixirs and potions. Luz: "Snake oil." Eda: No one wants an un‐oiled snake. Follow me. Eda: Today you'll deliver packages and sell potions to that town over there, Bonesborough. You'll have to be careful. I have rivals everywhere who'd love to take my business down and you along with it. You wanted a dangerous magical quest? Sister, you've got one. Luz: I won't let you down, Miss Eda. [crashes] Eda: I'm sure. Remember, never befriend a man in sandals and always measure twice, cut once. Luz: Uh... Eda: Good luck! Eda: I hate to interrupt your power nap, but you have to go with her. King: What? But I just found the perfect spot. Why do I have to go? Eda: You and I know she's either going to get lost or eaten, probably both. Luz: No, I won't. Eda: And because you work for me, too, unless you want to start paying rent. King: [grunting] Eda: Be back by nightfall or risk mortal peril. [door slams] Hooty: Have a nice trip. King: Huh! Let's get this over with. Luz: Wow! [gasps] King: Hey, it's rude to stare. Luz: I've only seen places like this in my dreams. It's incredible. And I'm the only human here? King: Haven't seen any others. Luz: Wow! There must be a reason for that, right? Why am I here? What if I, Luz Noceda, average teen, actually had... [gasps] ...a predetermined path of greatness? [gasps] Just like Azura! King: Yeah. Did Azura's path to greatness involve her delivering boil cream? Luz: Today I'm delivering packages, but tomorrow I'll be earning the respect of everyone on the Boiling Isles with my magical prowess. King: Ha! Good luck. The Boiling Isles is nothing but a cesspool of despair. Luz: More like a cesspool of delight. [grunts] [chuckles] [gasps] What has four hooves and wants to buy a potion? This guy. Centaur: [sighs] My eyes are down here. Luz: [exclaims] [doorbell rings] Luz: [yells, whimpers] King: [sighs] I know I've had enough delight for one day. Luz: I thought being the only human in a magical world would make me special. But apparently, it just makes everyone want to scream at me or... eat me. [sighs] At this point, Azura had already been sent on an enchanted quest. Where's my quest‐granting wizard? King: Sorry to break it to you, Luz, but no one here is that well‐dressed. Luz: This has been a rough day. [grunts] Let's just deliver this last package and go home. Maybe this world isn't what I thought it wa‐‐ [gasps] Pretty! [doorbell rings] King: Big houses always belong to big whackjobs. Let's kick the package inside and get outta here. Luz: Hello? King: Hey, wait. [yelps] Wait. Luz: I‐I'm delivering a package from Miss Eda, the Owl Lady. Huh? [gasps] Today just got good. Magical wizard! King: Weird old man in jim‐jams. Adegast: I was in my oscillarium, reading the stars. And who might you be, with eyes full of curiosity? Luz: Uh, I‐I'm‐‐ Adegast: Young lady, dareth I say, I sense something unique about you. Please, won't you join me for tea? Luz: [gasps] Okay. King: Let's scram! Wizards are just old people with glitter in their pockets. I don't trust him. Luz: But the stars on his robe are sparkling. And look, there's a baby fox in his beard. [giggles] Luz: Plus, I see scones on the table. King: Where? [panting] Luz: We'd love to join you for tea. [King munching] Luz: Do you sell potions, Sir Wizard? Adegast: Please, call me Adegast. Ma'am, yes, I run a small business. King: [munching] You should run a small business of more scones into my mouth. [chuckles] Yes! Adegast: I'm surprised to see you here. It was my understanding that Eda delivered the packages herself. Luz: Well, I'm kinda, sorta, her apprentice. Adegast: Oh! And how are you finding the experience so far? Luz: [sighs] Can I be honest, Mr. Adegast? When I decided to stay in this magical world, I thought I was meant for something special. But Eda thinks I'm meant for chores and I'm afraid I came to the wrong place. Adegast: Well, I have a quest‐‐ Luz: A quest? [cup shatters] Adegast: [chuckles] You didn't let me finish. I have a question. Luz: Oh. Adegast: Would you like to go on a quest? Luz: Yes! Adegast: I might have just the thing. The prophecy speaks of a young human girl who will claim the Celestial Staff and free this world from an ancient evil. Perhaps you have come here for a reason. Luz: Perhaps I have. Adegast: Should you believe yourself worthy to attempt this quest... Luz: So worthy. Adegast: ...you need to know the road is dark and perilous. Luz: Love peril. Big fan of peril. Adegast: And only the Chosen One can pull the staff from its post. Luz: Chosen one. King: Big story, awesome. Anyway, your food is gone and we are, too. Luz: Yes, we have to go. And pack for this enchanted quest! I'm in. Adegast: Wonderful. Luz: So, King, what kind of Chosen One should I be? King: [yawns] Huh? What? Luz: Should I be full of optimism and goodness, like the Good Witch Azura? Or should I be like a bad girl Chosen One with black nail polish and a mysteriously withdrawn attitude? "I act like I don't care, but I secretly do." Eda: Oh, you guys talking about bad girls? Wait, what's going on? King: Eda, tell Luz how dumb wizards are. Eda: Ugh! Wizards are the worst. Never trust a man in casual drapery. Why? King: Your wizard client told Luz... [laughs] she was a‐‐ [laughing] was a Chosen One! [laughing] Eda: Wait, wait, Luz? [snickers] [laughs] King: He even gave her a map. [Eda and King laughing] Eda: Let me see this map. You didn't think this was real, did you? Luz: What? Eda: This map is bunk. There's no lake with a Celestial Staff on the Boiling Isles. I would have stolen it ages ago. Ah, don't worry. Couple more months here and you won't look like such a mark. Luz: Can I have some time alone? King: [grunts] [door shuts] Luz: Maybe they were right. Huh? [reading] [gasps] That's why Eda couldn't see it. But am... I really worthy? [wind howls] Luz: I'll never know unless I try. King: Finally! All that mean‐spirited laughter made me sleepy. Eda: Crony, wake up. You said that wizard was one of my clients? King: Yes. Now go away. Eda: I don't know him that well. And I don't trust this itch he's scratching in the human. King: Less talky, more nappy. Eda: [sighs] Hey, Luz? Aw, nuts. [wind howls] Eda: Hooty, where'd she go? Hooty: Hoot, hoot. If you want the answer that you seek, solve my riddle within a week‐‐ Ow! Okay, okay. She went into the forest towards Bonesborough. Sheesh! Eda: Ugh! Luz: [inhales] My first mythical quest. Ha! Okay. Got my scroll, got my youthful optimism, got my trusty weapon. Sword: By the power of Skullgar, I am out of batteries. Luz: You know, I wonder if I made the right choice by coming here. [gasps] Wow! [cats meowing] Nevareth: I see. So you're the Chosen One. [scoffs] The Celestial Staff should've picked me, Nevareth Bladestrife, Teen Prince of Angstmore. Luz: Yes. Yes, I did make the right choice. King: [sniffing] This is where we met the scones. I mean, the wizard. Whoa! It wasn't like this before. Eda: I don't like this. [door creaks open] [rustling] Eda: I really don't like this. Luz: Nevareth, your vengeful backstory is so compelling. And I'm lovin' your animal sidekick. Nevareth: After my village was consumed, my heart has known nothing but vengeance. Luz: Nevareth! Nevareth: Lady Luz, do you think love can bloom on the battlefield? Luz: [laughs] This quest is questing in all the right ways. [chuckles] [all gasp] Nevareth: Ew. Chris: Hum‐di‐diddle, to pass the bridge, you must first solve my riddle. Luz: Hit me, little furry man. Chris: Your quest shall stop if you fail this game. So tell me, my dear, what is my name? Luz: Hmm. Uh... Chris? Chris: That's it. You may cross the bridge. And please take this, Chosen One. It shall help you on your journey. Luz: Wow. This is amazing. Thank you. Nevareth: Do you need a cape? Luz: Nah, I think I'm goo‐‐ Nevareth: You can use my shirt. Luz: Yes. I need a cape. [giggles] Nevareth: Three cheers for the Chosen One. Hip, hip... Hurray! Hip, hip... Hurray! Hip, hip... Eda: Oh, no. Are you sure she came here? King: [sniffing] Can't mistake her smell. Like lemons and young, naive confidence. Eda: Hmm. Hey! Wake up, you. What have you done with Luz? What's your endgame? Cat: To find your pupil and still your wrath, look ahead and follow the path. [cackles] King: [gasps] The cat man melted! Eda: [sighs] It's a trap. They want me to follow Luz. King: So, what do we do? Eda: Hmm. Luz: Thank you for inviting me to your feast, Princess. All your food was so tiny and cute. Princess: For you, Chosen One. Luz: Thank you. You've all been so kind and thoughtful. I hope this quest never ends. Chris: Your quest will soon come to an end, for the staff you seek is around the bend. Luz: Thanks for ruining the mood, Chris. Nevareth: Go on, Chosen One. The Celestial Staff is yours. You've earned it. Farewell, Lady Luz. Princess: Farewell. We love you, Chosen One. [birds twittering] Luz: [gasps] [rumbling] Luz: I knew this world wasn't all gloom and doom like Eda and King said. There is wonder here. And I... I think I came here for a reason. Okay, this is it. Moment of truth. Yes! I am the Chosen One! I knew it! I always suspected there was a reason nobody understood my wacky antics back at home. Now I have concrete proof. [laughs] No! What? Eda: I know this guy. He's no wizard. He's what you'd call a puppeteer, a demon who specializes in scamming and manipulating people. He's trying to use Luz to get to me. King: Yeah, and we're flying directly into his trap. Hurray! Eda: But if you can think of a better plan, I'd love to hear it. Hey, faster, you. [hoots] Luz: [whimpers] Adegast: Luz, the human. Luz: Magical wizard? Adegast: Your hubris has failed you, Witch Apprentice. [cackling] Luz: Huh? Okay, Luz. Don't panic. This is classic Chosen One biz. You just have to rescue everybody and defeat the final boss. Adegast: I am everybody! You fool, don't you see? I'm no wizard. And you're no Chosen One. I've tricked you. [evil laughter] Luz: What? [grunts] No! Betrayed by my own cool accessories. Why are you doing this? Adegast: Your mentor has been stealing customers from my potions business for years. She must be destroyed. Eda: Does everybody have a beef with Eda here? [all agreeing] Luz: [sighs] Adegast: And you lured her right into my trap, all because you wanted to think you were special. Luz: No. Joke's on you, 'cause Eda isn't stupid enough to fall for your trap. Eda: Adegast! Luz: Oh, heck! Adegast: Eda, I have you now! Eda: That's right. You have me. Now release Luz. King: I didn't have to be a part of this! Adegast: Oh, she can leave if she wants to. But I sense she wants a real fantasy. Nevareth: Stay with us, Luz. Stay with Adegast. We need you here. You could be our Chosen One. Princess: Yeah, you can eat our tiny foods forever. Adegast: Luz, why would you want to live in a world where people laugh at you? Luz: It is beautiful here. Eda: Luz! Luz: And you guys think I'm special. Eda: No! [grunts] Luz: But it's not real. [grunts] I am a Witch's Apprentice. And I'm gonna earn my magic staff the hard way. I believed you, Magic Man. Now feel my wrath! [grunts] Adegast: [screams] Eda: [strains] Luz: [grunts] Adegast: [screams] Nevareth: [strains, grunts] Luz: I thought we had a connection, Nevareth! Nevareth: [grunts] Ah, my flawless pecs! Eda: [grunts] Adegast: Back off! Or the dog gets it. King: I am not a‐‐ [muffled grunt] Luz: King, I'm sorry. I should have listened to you and never trusted that wizard. You were right. He isn't mystical or magical. He's just a big, slimy jerk. [stabbing] Adegast: [screaming] Eda: Well, that's the last time I take an outside referral. [squeaking] Mmm. Oh, did you want some of that? Luz: No. I'm just confused. Eda: Thinking of calling it quits, huh? Luz: This place is nothing like I imagined. Eda: Hmm. Maybe not here. But come with me. I got something to show you. Eda: Okay, you can look. Luz: Whoa! Eda: The bones of the isles. Up close, the isles can be slimy‐‐ King: And very stinky. Eda: And gross. But if you look at it from a different perspective... Luz: It's beautiful. King: Yeah. Luz: Eda, how did you know that wizard was lying? Eda: Look, kid, everyone wants to believe they're "chosen". But if we all waited around for a prophecy to make us special, [chuckles] we'd die waiting. And that's why you need to choose yourself. Luz: Does that mean you'll give me a magic staff of my own? Eda: Not yet. But... someday. Category:Transcripts Category:A to Z Category:W Category:Season 1